電車マナーの悪い男子高校生（16）を殴ったとして神奈川県警大和署の巡査長（３３）が現行犯逮捕された事件で、同県警は7日午後、異例の“再々”記者会見を行った。この事件については先だって「巡査長はマナーの悪さを注意したのではなく酔って因縁をつけただけ」とする再記者会見が開かれたばかりだった。
三回めとなる会見の席上、県警の監査官はその後判明したこととして
「男子高校生は地上世界征服をたくらむ悪の海底人“ノンマルト”だった」
という衝撃の新事実を明らかにした。所持していたおもちゃのライターも、さらに分析を進めた結果、実はノンマルトの超科学兵器で使用するたびに地上の酸素をうばい二酸化炭素に変換するおそるべき悪魔の武器であることがわかった。
くだんの巡査長は偶然ノンマルトに詳しい人物で、高校生の正体を敏感に察知。アルコール代謝能力をもたない敵の弱点を衝くべく酒の臭いで防御体勢を整え、すかさず髪の毛（に見える触角─ノンマルト人の急所）を掴んで引きずり回し、反撃のスキを与えぬよう鉄拳を叩き込んだ。一介の警官に過ぎない身で美しい地上を守り侵略を未然に防いだ報国ぶりは、まさに賞賛に値する自己犠牲精神の発露と言えそうだ。
前回の記者会見後、神奈川県警には「気に入らない若いヤツを集団で叩くことができなくなって残念」「スカッとできれば真実はどうでもよいのではないか」「空気読め」という苦情が昼間から殺到していたという。担当監査官は
「かなり空気を読んだ真実を明らかにできたと思う。必要ならさらに追加の会見を開きたい」
と話している。
住所：不定
職業：馬賊
>ノンマルト
本当はノン毛のマルタを毒牙にかけやうとした癖に・・・・
住所：皇居
職業：自室警備員
先生「とりあえずセブン君は廊下…じゃなくて馬占山…でもなくて馬の首暗黒星雲で立ってなさい」
住所：皇居
職業：ネット右翼
我々人間より先に地球人がいたなんて…そんなバカな！
やっぱり攻撃だ！
我々の勝利だ！
海底も我々人間のものだ！
住所：靖国神社
職業：めがねっ娘
しかし、殴打したのが高校生1人とはいかがなものか？
かかる危険な存在が街中をうろついていると言うのなら、念の為、付近の人間全てを抹殺すべきでは無いのか？
国民の安全の為なら、100人や200人の無辜の民を便衣兵と誤認して虐殺しようと問題ないと愚考する。
本当にノンマルトだったらオカリナを吹きそうなものだが。警官が「私服が」と口走ったとか、指先の繊維の証拠採用を裁判所が却下とか、疑惑が多い。国策捜査ぢゃねーの？
信頼される神奈川県警
平手打ち警官に支持多数＝電話、メール２千件超す－神奈川県警 (時事通信)
電車内で騒いでいた男子高校生（１６）を平手打ちした神奈川県警の巡査長（３３）が傷害の現行犯で逮捕された事件で、県警本部などに巡査長の行為を「よくやった」などと支持する電話やメールが６日午後４時現在、２０００件以上寄せられた。県警監察官室は「巡査長は明らかにやり過ぎだった」として、思わぬ反響に困惑している。
監察官室によると、電話やメールは「よくやったというべきだ」「警官の行動を支持する」「注意できる大人がいない中、警察官の行動は安心できる」「寛大な処置をお願いします」など、ほとんどが巡査長の行為を肯定する内容だった。
これに対し、「厳しく処分しろ」など批判的な内容は４件しかなかったという。
監察官室は「普段、電車内のマナーの悪さに不快感を抱いている人が敏感に反応したようだ」と分析した上で、「警察官として殴る行為は肯定できない。詳しい経緯も捜査中で、巡査長を一方的に英雄視する声には戸惑いを感じる」としている。
犬が人を噛んでもニュースにならないが、人が犬を噛めばニュースになる、そんな風に言われます。たとえば痴漢なんかではそう簡単に新聞デビューは飾れないわけですが、犯人が有名人だったり、あるいは取り締まるべき立場にいるはずの警官だったりすると一気にニュースバリューも高まり、晴れて新聞で全国に恥をさらすことにもなるわけです。
さて今回は酔っぱらいがガキを殴って怪我をさせて、それで捕まったという話です。こんな事件に何のニュースバリューもあるはずが無く、普通であれば地方紙からも放っておかれるような代物なのですが、今回の犯人は警察官でした。市民を守るべき立場にいる警察官が市民を殴って負傷させたと言うことで、めでたく全国紙に登場することと相成ったようです。
警官の不祥事など日常茶飯事、ましてや神奈川県警と言ったら不祥事のチャンピオンです、「やっぱり神奈川県警だ」と呆れられて終わっても良さそうなこの事件ですが、それがどういうわけか、２０００件を超える支持の声が寄せられたそうで、皆さん警察への信頼が厚いのですね。
時には、権力よりも民衆の方が危険になることもあります。例えば関東大震災の時など、デマを信じた民衆が暴徒となって朝鮮人や中国人、社会主義者を虐殺した過去があ
相手は海底人だけに空気を読めない奴らは全員ノンマルト認定。
住所：名古屋県
職業：自室警備員
テロ特措法延長を阻む行動もノンマルトの策謀である。
憲法改正反対の動きにもノンマルトの地下組織が絡んでいる。
我々が地上世界の支配者側に留まるためには、ノンマルトの行動を全て阻止し、戦争のできる国にするしかないのだ！
これだから平成生まれのノンマルトはヤだねぇ。昭和生まれは黙ってやられる可愛げがあったのに。
３万サイクルの音で仲間が助けを求めたので駆けつけたのだが、間に合わなかった。
残念だ。
スカッとできれば真実はどうでもよい…これぞ「空気読み」の極意だ。
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