きょう国内で発売開始となったアップル製電子端末の「iPad」。一部信者が狂信的なお祭り騒ぎを繰り広げて話題となっているが、その裏で製造を担う中国の工場労働者らが相次いで謎の自殺を繰り返すという陰惨な事件が起きている。この連続自殺の原因が、実は
「iPadにこめられた呪い」
にあることが弊紙の独自調査でわかった。
事件はiPadの組み立てを請け負っているFOXCONN社の中国広東省深せん市にある工場で発生。iPadの生産ラインに従事していた労働者10人以上が、相次いで飛び降り自殺をしたが原因がわからず現地で問題となっていた。そこで、このたびbogusnewsが最新のカバラ数秘術でiPadを分析したところ、なんとiPadという名前自体におそろしい呪いがこめられていることが判明した。
まず、iPadという文字列をアナグラムだと推測して
「D・A・I・P」
と並び替える。これだけではまだ意味不明だが、Pが唇音であることに着目して同じ唇音のVに復元する。すると
「D・A・I・V」
となり、英語の
「ダイブ（飛び降りろ）」
という真の意味が正体を現すのだ。すなわち、今回の連続自殺はiPadという名前にしかけられた呪いのサブリミナル効果が労働者らに及び、飛び降り自殺を促したためだということがわかる。
この陰湿な呪いは、もちろん本日以降iPadを購入した一般消費者にも影響があると見られ、閉鎖的かつ独占的なアップルのエコシステムという無間地獄に飛び降りるという自殺行為に走る人々が大量発生する可能性が高い。このため、弊紙では
「危険なiPad無料で引き取りますキャンペーン」
を実施する。希望者は編集部までiPadを送付してほしい。責任をもってお祓いします。
住所：靖国神社
職業：櫻井よしこ
さあ主幹様！ 私の豊満な肉体にiPad!!!!!
飛び降りろは「DIVE」じゃないのか・・・あ、誰か来た。
おお～！今夜もやっとるな～！！
住所：匿名掲示板
職業：工作員
あ、生きてたよ
つまり主幹は並んではみたものの予約なんかしてもいないし、現金も当然のように持ってなかったので買えなかったと。
あ、そこのﾁﾐ。iPadで某瓦斯新聞なんか読んだら主幹の呪いが・・・
ｶﾞｸｶﾞｸﾌﾞﾙﾌﾞﾙ
(･∀･)今回ﾊ可愛ｲ「中国iPad娘」ﾉ写真入ｯﾃﾅｲﾉ？
住所：不定
職業：馬賊
わしも打ち込む如。
「E・K・I・B・E・N」
(やらせるんだ如、寧鎮。)
＞ダイブ（飛び降りろ）
この呪いが「大人になれ！」と変更したら、また人口爆発になるでしょうね。
住所：ねはん
職業：便衣兵
なんつういい加減なアナグラムだべ。
iPadはホントはI・P・A・D
なんだな、Dが唇音つうことに着目さすっとTに変わっぺ、すっと
Ⅰpat（私、ひっぱたく）となっぺ、熟女の肉体さ飛び込まねぇコンジョ無し主幹への呪つうこったな！
住所：四次元
iPadに映るiCupに悶絶。
というネタ封じを、よそでは恥ずかしくて書けないのでここで載せてみました。
住所：歩いてもあるいても中国
職業：人口爆発を防ぐ会
中国で労働者が自殺？ふむ、口ではなんだかんだ言ってもきちんと日本を見習ってるようではないか、感心感心。のろいなんて話でけむに巻くところまで見習うとは！しかしまだ甘い。人口比で行けば30万人はいけるはずだ。健闘を祈る。
住所：不定
職業：工作員
何もしなくても中央線はいつも（以下略
住所：ねはん
職業：便衣兵
ま、考えたら主幹よ、同し飛び込むなら熟女よりゃ華厳の滝がましだっぺ、一生の苦しみよりゃ一瞬の苦しみつうこったな、背中ァ押してやっからよ！
かあいそう、主幹！iPad購入してルンルン気分で帰宅中、ヤンキーに絡まれて狩られたのね！呪いがビンビン伝わってくるわ！
元気出してほら、洗濯板洗濯板。
住所：閣議場
職業：署名拒否
要は駄洒落が自殺を誘発しているというわけだな。
となると、超くだらないオヤジギャグを連発する課長のいる部局では今後死亡率が上昇することが予想されるので、早急に対策を講ずるべきである。
住所：ルビヤンカ
職業：KGB
＞「危険なiPad無料で引き取りますキャンペーン」
そんなに欲しいなら、朝も早よから並んで、自腹切って買いな。虫が良すぎるぜ。
住所：ルビヤンカ
職業：KGB
＞最新のカバラ数秘術でiPadを分析
＞iPadという文字列をアナグラム
やっていることは、Ｍ・ドロズニンの「聖書の暗号」と同じではないかと言われるのでは？
＞鯨虐殺者さん
それだけではありません。
台湾（当該企業のお膝元）では「自殺者遺族は自殺者の最大２００ヶ月分の慰謝料が貰える規定があるからじゃねーのか！」と（親含む身内に）自己責任論の声が出てます。
そんな新自由主義的な台湾の一方、左翼っぽい香港はアップルのボイコットを始めてます。
住所：中国
職業：軍人
>最新のカバラ数秘術
小生もその秘術とやらをやってみるよ
主・幹・は・カ・バ・ラ
↓
主・幹・は・バ・カ・ら
まあ鳩・山やら、平・野やら
岡・本・行・夫やらにはまるで及ばないがな
住所：靖国神社
職業：めがねっ娘
馬鹿馬鹿しい。
どこが「自殺が多発」だ？
日本に比べれば、まだ、自殺が少な過ぎて、逆に気味が悪い位だ。
住所：皇居
職業：自室警備員
都合により情報源はあかせないが、もう一つの真実がある。“iPad”を上下逆にしていただきたい。“Pedi”らしき言葉が見えてくる。
ここで、“i”の上下逆が“i”では無理があるので“o”に置き換えてみる。すると“Pedo”となる。
つまり、すべては電車男殿の工作活動だったのだよ!
住所：名古屋県
職業：自室警備員
daivという単語をねつ造したかと思えば、/p/と/v/がともに唇音というのは正しい情報だったりと（/p/と/b/を並べるのが普通ですが）相変わらずシュール過ぎる記事ですね…。
住所：靖国神社
職業：二千万特攻の司令官
>私の豊満な肉体にiPad!!!!!
失礼ながら妙齢の女性ジャーナリスト女史の肉体のどこが豊満なのか。豊満というのは森公美子女史や柳原可奈子嬢のような体型を指すのだ。
なお断っておくが、例えば某元横審委員のごときは本官の守備範囲外である。ゆえにデブ専呼ばわりは心外だ。
ありゃ～…先にM〇Rネタを使ってしまった…。
…じゃじゃあ…
主幹、貴方には此の呪いの謎を解いて頂きます。
勿論、教授もそれをお望みです。
…て事でひとつ。
>豊満というのは森公美子女史や柳原可奈子嬢のような体型を指すのだ
。。。
((((・∀・;)……
住所：匿名掲示板
職業：工作員
ipedo（アイペド）
なら実在するぞ。
http://news.livedoor.com/article/detail/4795027/
日本では児ポが厳しいので購入は不可能だそうだが、おれは裏ルートで入手したいと考えている。
住所：ルビヤンカ
職業：KGB
ｉＰａｄをアナグラムすると、ＤＡＰＩ＝脱皮となり、つまり、ボーガス主幹が包茎手術で「ひとつウエノ男になる」という結果が！
住所:自宅
職業:参謀
それにしてもオンスクリーンキーボードって、打ちにくいなあ
それからタップしても、※欄がスクロールできないのはなぜ？？？
おっと
辻殿
それは、そのiPadが呪われているからです。
bogusnews編集部にて、お祓いを受けて下さい。
住所：匿名掲示板
職業：工作員
※欄のスクロールは2本指タッチでやるです
Safariの仕様です
※欄の怪しい紳士に騙されないように
おおー
スクロールした！
※欄が実生活的に役立つ日がくるとは！
電車の方、ありがとう
iPad買いました。どうも呪われているようです。お祓いをお願いしたいので、編集部の所番地と電話番号を教えてください。決して悪用はしませんから。
住所：銀河系
職業：めがねっ娘
転売料をお祓いしてもらうと助かります。なんてね。
面白い記事ですね。
住所：皇居
職業：自室警備員
「しんじるものはすくろーる」であるな。
二本指だけでなく、三本指や四本指という操作も受け付け可能らしい。はーどうぇあ的には、十一本指操作や十二本指操作も受け付け可能であり、「せいじん」向けそふとの登場が期待される。
子供たちに大流行の「ケンシロウは何本目に死ぬのかな？」ごっこも可能なわけですね？
iPad初回購入者が思う存分優越感にひたるための※欄はここでつか？
住所：ルビヤンカ
いやぁ、iPhoneにして良かった。
iPhone工場で自殺者と報道されていたが、
実は iPhoneを委託製造しているFoxconnのXbox製造ラインだったことが判明
http://jp.techcrunch.com/archives/20120126dirty-money/
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