全国的に14日のバレンタインデーが近づきつつある。栃木の女性─とちおとめたちにとっても例外ではなく、意中の男性に愛を伝える準備におおわらわだ。ただし、ここ栃木では女性が男性に渡すものはチョコではない。愛すべき郷土料理の
「しもつかれ」
である。
とちおとめたちのしもつかれ作りは、人目につかぬようひっそりおこなわれる。まず、台所にある余りものの大根や魚のあらなどを食べる。胃に材料が行き渡ったところで日本酒とビールをチャンポンで浴びるように飲み、頭をぐるぐる揺らすなどしているとしもつかれができる。できたてのすえたにおいを好む下野男児も多いが、持ち歩きの際にバイオテロと誤認されることがあるため、1～2日ほど冷蔵保存して熟成させバレンタインデー当日を待つのがコツだ。
栃木独特のしもつかれによるバレンタインは、他県男性にも
- チョコのような舶来の邪悪な品でない
- 栃木県人の素朴な人柄が伝わる
とおおむね好評だ。そもそも栃木の女性がバレンタインに手製しもつかれを渡すようになったのは、むかし行き遅れかけの県人女性が
「めあての男性と飲みに行って、ふたりっきりの帰り道でしもつかれを渡したら、即ホテルにGoできて既成事実つくってゲットできた」
という故事による。
今でも、猛者は「バレンタイン当日、彼の目の前でしもつかれをつくる」という。「もうあとがない」という他県の女性も見習ってみるといいかもしれない。ただし、失敗すると「吐くまで飲む酒乱女」というレッテルを貼られ社会的生命を絶たれる危険性もある。初心者は注意されたし。
記事の要約：
チョコはもう諦めた。ゲロで我慢します。ゲロください！
住所：名古屋県
職業：自室警備員
しもつかれ・・・
下突かれ・・・
あ、なる、ほど
食後間を置かずに「する」と、プレゼントがもらえるわけですね。
主幹、あたしのこの愛受けとめて！今吐きに行きます！
…と脊髄反射的に打ち込んだけどー、なんかそれでもMOTTAINAI気がしてきたわん。主幹になんかあげるくらいなら、イケメンの人面犬にチョコあげるー。
昼食直前にこの記事上げる方が、よっぽどバイオテロだよ！
合成して
色はチョコレート、
形態は しもつかれ、
のゲリレートもしくは
げりつかれ
を想像してしまいました。
ごめんなさい。
ごめんなさい。
住所：シベリア
職業：社畜
wikipedia見てきたんですが・・・
「しもつかれを7軒食べ歩くと病気にならない」
「なるべく多くの家のしもつかれを食べると無病息災だ」
７回以上、もらいゲ○いただくとよろしいようです。
ええ、義理でもなんでもかまいません。
そもそも、シモツカレをバレンタインデーに渡すトチオトメと言う時点で、かなり年齢層が高いってか、未成年がチャンポンじゃマズいだろ！ってか、結局最終的に「妙齢」層ターゲットになっちゃってると思うんですが、気の所為ですか？
住所：ネットカフェ
職業：アルファコメンター
とつぐでは、バレンタインにしもつかれを渡すと、トマトのビニールハウスの中ですぐセックスできます。わたしの『遠雷』を参考にしてやってみてください。……みんな、生きているんだなあ。
これは愛の形ではなく凶悪犯罪かもしれない。
＞即ホテルにGoできて
この辺りに主幹のそこはかとないカレー臭を感じるのですが･･
住所：不定
職業：馬賊
>下突かれ
呼んだか如？
下から突くの大好きアル如。
そうか。年末年始に結婚詐欺で200万持って行ったのはトチジの女性だったのか。
まあ、なんだ。生きてれば色々あるさ。人生谷有り川あり崖あり。そんな風に人を恨んじゃあいかんよ。
え！幼馴染にやられたのか！そらあきついわ。ささ、そこの納屋の中にある除草剤ぐいっとひといきに・・・。
イッキ イッキイッキイッキ
住所：ちたま
職業：アルファコメンター
赤松啓介さんの非常民の世界がまだ残っているんですね。
＞社会的生命を絶たれる
可能性として、下手にシモツカレを我慢すると、急性アルコール中毒により生命そのものを絶たれる場合も。
下戸だと命懸け…。
だから、少子高齢化か！
住所：ルビヤンカ
職業：KGB
酒を浴びるように飲んでしもつかれを作るとちおとめと、納豆菌を体にまとい糸を引く茨城っ娘では、どっちがよいのでしょうか？
主幹さま… この記事を読んでから夕食に粕汁を食べるのは辛いです…orz
住所：靖国神社
職業：めがねっ娘
>結局最終的に「妙齢」層ターゲットになっちゃってる
やはり、最近、見かけない婆専猫と、主幹は、同一人物だか、同一猫物だったらいいな。
住所：ねはん
職業：便衣兵
え～い！そこな隠れエバラギケツメド主幹！黙っちゃらんね、わっちも節分から初午と伝統的にして正統的シモツカレ調理法さ伝授しなきゃなんねから県内さくまなく廻って疲れっちまったけんど、こんなエンチキ記事さ粉砕せねばだめだっぺ、大栃木県の麗しき乙女は正統的シモツカレさ作れねば嫁さ行かねんだぞ、おまけに栃木乙女は嫁さ行くまで固～く処女守ってんだぞ、腐れ役立たずの主幹のチン○なんざ股の間ぁ腐った豆みてぇにネバネバしてるエバラギの腐れナットオンナで充分だっぺ！
＞長閣下
「＞だったらいいな」？！
「だったらしいな」ではなくて？
ソレは主幹の幸せの為に、ですか？
ソレとも、猫さんの幸せの為に？
住所：皇居
職業：自室警備員
かつて関東大震災のとき、ねとうよを始めとする自称正義の味方は、目をつけた人々にある言葉をしゃべらせて、気に入らない発音だと惨殺した。これにより、多数の朝鮮人と都知事人が死亡した。
その悲劇を繰り返さないため、しもつかれ伝説は現代に語り継がれているという。
「ボ、ボクが一番上手くbogusを動かせるんだ」
－ナレーション－
今日もコックピットから心の叫びが響く夜更けであった。
住所：匿名掲示板
職業：工作員
スカトロ趣味の変態の大多数はいい人なので差別しないようにします。
お、そこのさえない顔した編集主幹！キミだキミ！！
おにいさんがいいもの見つけてきてあげたよ。Firefoxにデフォでついてる新聞のニュースフィード、あれからたどってみつけたんだけどね！
さる女性向サイトのアンケート結果
「チョコをあげたい世界の指導者は？」
麻生太郎首相 16.1%
バラク・オバマ米大統 61.9%
ウラジーミル・プーチン露首相 7.6%
ニコラ・サルコジ仏大統領 6.7%
胡錦濤・中国国家主席 7.6%
だってよ！MIB（マジでイケメンブラック）なオバマはしょうーがないが、ﾊｽﾞﾚの太郎でも二位だってよ！漢字読めなくても、K泉に「笑っちゃう」とかバカにされても16％も指示されてるぞ。
トレビア～ンな相撲嫌いのサルコジより、史上最強の国家主席と噂されるプーチンよりﾀﾛｳが上だ！元気出せ。
それに16.1%＋61.9%＋7.6%＋6.7%＋7.6%＝99.9％だよ。0.1％でも主幹にも望みがあるんだよ。そこのとこ考えて前向きになるんだよ！
1000人女性がいたら一人くらいはなんかくれるかもしんないだろ？
(･∀･)ｿﾚｶﾞしもつかれﾀﾞｯﾀﾘｽﾙﾜｹﾀﾞｹﾄﾞﾅ
>下突かれ
赤い玉が出ると下疲れだにょ。
またもさりげなく「しもつかれ」
愚民どもは気付いていないようですが主幹の栃木県知事選挙出馬への布石は着々と打たれているようですね。まさに孔明も驚きの鬼神のごとき深謀遠慮です。これで主幹も改革派知事の仲間入り、いや、もはや盟主です。
住所：海外(北海道)
職業：烏賊
いや、某瓦斯はいいですな。小泉のレガシー新保守主義が紙面に出ずに、バレンタインですな。
金曜夜の月島に久々行きたくなりましたな。私は岸田屋ですが。
栃木の女性は母性愛ですな。給餌する母鳥のごとく。
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