14日はバレンタインデー。全国で男性にチョコを渡す女性のすがたが見かけられたが、実はそのチョコに
「老化を促進する作用」
のあることがわかった。厚生労働省食品安全局の調べで判明したもの。遅きに失した感はあるが、バレンタインチョコは食べないよう注意したほうがよさそうだ。
同局では、バレンタインデーにチョコレートをもらって食べた男性の継続的な健康調査をおこなってきた。その結果、
「バレンタインデーにチョコを食べた男性のおよそ96パーセントが、翌年の同じ日までに老化を起こしていた」
ことがわかったという。老化の促進率は約1年分で、いちどチョコを口にするだけで一歳年をとる計算になる。既知のどんな毒物をも上回る驚異的な毒性だ。
また、老化を起こしていなかった残り4パーセントの男性はすべて死亡しており、老化作用とあわせて考えるとバレンタインチョコに恐ろしい副作用があることはほぼ間違いないと見られる。
厚生労働省では一般消費者向けに注意勧告を出すとともに、アメリカFDAと共同でさらに調査を進めていく意向だ。愛を育むはずが、実は死を呼んでいたバレンタイン。バレンタインデーに詳しい評論家のbogusnews編集主幹は「食べなくてよかった。わたしは勝ち組」と話している。
キタァーー
今年も暗黒面に堕ちた主幹の記事が読めました。
主幹さまは今年もチョコが貰えなかったのですね。
ナイスジョークｗ
いいですねぇ…
すばらしい感性に拍手！
>bogusnews編集主幹は「食べなくてよかった。
正しくは「食べられなかった」ですね。
今年も、期待通りでした。
義理だとそうだけど、本命だと若返るんだよ。
もしかして、主幹は知らなかったのかな。
＞暗黒面に堕ちた
論理的帰結はさて置き、事実関係に誤りはありません。
だから、部長なのに拘置所に左遷なんて、人生の暗黒面と関係ありません。
住所：靖国神社
職業：めがねっ娘
つまり、主幹は、今年も、寿命1年分の価値が有るチョコを貰えなかったと云う事だな。
住所：皇居
職業：自室警備員
某瓦斯紙により、おそるべき陰謀がまた1つ明らかになったといえよう。
ちなみに、この「ちょこ」であるが、犬や猫が食したところ、中毒をおこし、死亡する場合もあったという。このような毒物を人間が食して平気なわけがない。
結論。食すなら妹の「ちょこ」殿に限る。
これはつまり、主幹は「チョコほしい、チョコほしい」とつぶやきながら永遠に生き続けるというわけですか。
子供のころに読んだ怪談にそんなのがあったような。
私はベンジャミン・バトンにあげるから。
（・∀・）ｴﾍ
└□┘
ｻｲｷﾝｶｷｺﾐｽｷﾞｶﾅ…
住所：匿名掲示板
職業：童貞
バレンタインの手作りチョコには「生娘の陰毛」などが入っていることがあるらしいですからね。
そんなものを食べたら寿命が縮むって、（保守主義者の）おばあちゃんが言っていた。
住所：靖国神社
>バレンタインデーに詳しい評論家のbogusnews編集主幹
よく産経新聞のコメントにある「教育問題に詳しい高崎Ｋ大の八木教授(憲法学)」みたいな用法ですね。
住所：ねはん
職業：便衣兵
主幹、泣くんじゃね、こんだ手作りスイーツ系チョコシモツカレェ持ってってやっからよ。
そんだ、イバラギ名物チョコナットも一緒に贈ってやっぺ！
住所：靖国神社
職業：二千万特攻の司令官
資料写真のセンスがタモガミちゃうちゃうタモリ倶楽部のBGMだな。
住所：菓子売場
職業：癲狂院保存
要は何ももらわなければホワイト・デーにお返しをする必要もないので、経済的に勝ち組になれた、ということだろう。
この不況下に羨ましい話である。
住所：廊下
職業：アンチエイジング指導者
なんか主幹はチョコと玉手箱を混同しているやうな気がする。どっちも女の子がくれるもんだし。
メルヘンだなあ。
ぜひ最後は鶴になって飛んでってくらさい。
よかった…信じてたから、主幹が清らかな体だって。
チョコの毒素が肝臓に蓄積すると美味しくないし、非童貞のお肉は硬くてちょっとｲﾋﾋﾋﾋ、
ｲｴこっちの話。気にしないで。
でもぉそろそろ食べ頃っかなーｼｮﾘｼｮﾘ（←包丁研ぐ音）
住所：匿名掲示板
職業：工作員
世の中にはトラック何台分とかもらう男もいるとか・・
問題は食うとか食わないとかではないと思うのだが・・
bogusnews編集主幹はなにかズレてると思う。
住所：靖国神社
職業：めがねっ娘
なお、今年もチョコを貰えなかったボンクラ共は、
「何故、今年のバレンタインデー関連の記事が、例年と比べてイマイチ切れが無いのか?」
を追及すべきでは無いだろうか？
最悪の場合、主幹の嫁または恋人(居るとしてだが)を、主幹の目の前で(一部自粛)も選択肢に含めるべきであろう。
住所：不定
職業：工作員
その食品安全局の裏資料を入手した。そこには恐ろしい事実が！
それはチョコを食べなかった男性の100%が・・・こんな時間にいったいだれｇ
電車男さんが気にかかるのは、渡す側のおにゃのこの年齢では？
何でも、今年のリオのカーニバルでサンバ・クイーンが７歳と言って、大騒ぎになってますが？
住所：おうち
職業：荒らし
この時期になると、いつも思うのだが、チョコレートなのか。現下の祖国に対する愛の証として、ブルーベリーナノテクゼリーを贈る日にすべきではないのか。
住所：ルビヤンカ
職業：KGB
＞「バレンタインデーにチョコを食べた男性のおよそ96パーセントが、翌年の同じ日までに老化を起こしていた」
＞老化の促進率は約1年分
老若問わず誰でも１年老化するというヤボなことは言わんほうがいいですな。
＞「食べなくてよかった。わたしは勝ち組」
主幹はチョコのかわりに、妙齢女性陣の乾物バディを召し上がったんでしょうな。
職業：妙齢の女性ジャーナリスト
あら、主幹クン、嘘書いちゃダメじゃないの。私、今日あなたにできたてのチョコレートをあげたじゃないの。ほんと名前の通りbogusなことを書くのね。
毎年手作りのチョコをあげてるけど、今年はもっと体を使って作ってあげたいと思ったのよ。だから大腸で作ったホッカホカの生チョコをあげたでしょ？
あなた、おいしそうにそれを頬張っていたじゃない。
それとも何？ あれはチョコじゃないから嘘じゃないとでも言うわけ？ 許さないわよ。
そそ、今日は4発楽しんだけど、3/14は3倍返しだから12発頼むわよ。私のホワイトデーを主幹色の白い粘液で染めてよね（接吻）
死亡率４パーセントとは恐ろしい…と突っ込もうと思ったのに、妙齢評論家先生の※？！★では、生存率の方が４パーセントぐらいになりそうな…。主幹、長生きしてね。
知人に「今日は何の日であるか」と聞いたところ「確定申告は明日からよ」と言われた。
春節までは予想していたが虚を付かれた。
この96％って数字どっからもってきたん？確かに0.96の80(概算寿命)乗程度で1％を下回るから、一年に人が死ぬ確率は4％と言えそうだ。
おお～今夜もやっとるな～！！
住所：ウガンダ共和国
職業：調理師
寿命が短くならないよう、おチョコに酒でも注いで、李白よろしく月下独酒と行きましょう。
酒は百薬の長です、毛唐の風習を曲解したおかしな行事を行って聖バレンティヌスを愚弄する輩はアヌスにチョコでも突っ込まれてりゃいいんです。
島倉チヨコはチョコの食べすぎだったんですね・・・・どうりでおばあさんだと思った、人生いろいろ
住所：匿名掲示板
職業：工作員
この世の半分は女さま、素晴らしいニュースありがとうございます。
7歳いいですね、7歳。
AKB48もメンバーを7歳から11歳に限定して再結成するべきでしょう。ブラジルに負けるな！五輪のリベンジだ！！
住所：不定
職業：馬賊
春節は爆竹鳴らして銅鑼もヂャ～ン!と鳴らして、ついでに解放軍がトンネルから一斉に飛び出して合衆国大使館ににゅうとう、ちゃうちゃう突入だ如。
わしのてぃむこも寧珍の密壷に突入だ如。
駅弁する如。
住所：潜行三千里
職業：坊さん（コスプレ中）
やあ、あそこに浮かんでいる雲は、某瓦斯新聞主幹殿にそっくりだなあ。おやおや主幹殿、おいしそうにハート型の雲のかけらをほおばっているぞ
そういえば昨日の記事は、いつぞや主幹殿に見せていただいたバレンタインデー記事にそっくりだっけ
「辻君辻君、年中多忙な新聞社主幹といえども、2月14日や12月24日などはむしろ働かなくとも良ひのだよ。ほうら、こういふ予定稿なるゴミ記事を書き溜めておきさえすれば、あとは紙面なんか自動的に更新されるって寸法さ」
ああさうか、主幹殿もつひに姉ヶ崎殿より贈呈された恐るべき老化促進物質に手をつけて仕舞われたといふ訳か…
しかし…しかし、これで良かったのかもしれないね
小生には、あの雲は、全てを知りつつも、にこと微笑んで逝かれる人の顔に思われてならないからだ…
合掌
そういう→さういふ
いえども→いへども
こういう→かういふ
まだあるかなあ？
3K新聞さん、小生のかなづかひをなほひへくらはい
住所：大阪府
職業：3K新聞校正員（臨時）
浮かんでいる→浮かんでゐる または 浮んでゐる
ほおばっている→ほほばってゐる
そういえば→さういへば
良ひ→良い
仕舞われた→仕舞はれた
思われて→思はれて
辻様の文章では拗音・撥音が小さくなつてゐますが、これはこれで差支へなきものと思ひます。
住所：四次元
男性にチョコレートを贈った女性にも同じ症状が見られる。おそらく相関があるのでしょう。
コメントに「食べなくても同じく老化するのでは」という意見が散見されますが、主観と常人は相対論的に時間軸が異なっています。
つまり主観の時間は常人の時間に比べて(以下略)
住所：四次元
あ、主幹と主観を勘違い。
[捏造力]何故狼に育てられた少年は嘘つきになるのか。
狼少年。そうじゃなくて。 バレンタインチョコに老化促進の副作用─食べすぎれば死ぬことも : bogusnews やったあ、俺も勝ち組だあ。嘘。仕事の休憩時間に冷凍庫に入ってる買い置き（自前：おやつ用）を貪り食ってました。 嘘ニュース系テキストサイトで最近一番のお気に入
新年好！
恭喜発財！
祝全家健康併春節快楽！
与謝野様
ありがたうございます
住所：匿名掲示板
中国では今年は春節とバレンタインデーが重なった為にバレンタイン関連業界は不振だったらしい。日本もアジア回帰をうたっているのだからに来年からは旧正月に新年を祝えば・・・。あっ、でも毎年日が違うから意味が無いのか。
ではわらわが良き知恵を授けてつかわす。死を呼ぶバレンタインデーを14日から毎年旧正月に移動し固定するのぢゃ。「正月はメイドちゃうちゃう冥土の旅の一里塚」と申すでわないか。
そして建国記念日も神武天皇即位の旧正月に、あら？こんな時間に誰か（ry
主幹は14日を休刊日にした方が反響を呼んだのではないかと愚考する。
住所：靖国神社
なんか空気おかしいし。w
えーと、なんだ、その・・・
そうだ辻政信閣下、
今度から「辻ちゃん」て呼んでもいいっスか？
住所：匿名掲示板
職業：工作員
革マルのお爺ちゃんは昨夜は来なかったんですね。心配だ。風邪でもひいたかな？
住所：四次元
チョコレートをもらえなかった、産経新聞のえらいさんが自慰を始めたようです。
注意；朝から観るものではありません
>「辻ちゃん」て呼んでもいいっスか
2000-04年頃、「辻の見分け方」という言葉を聞いて、そんなものは一目瞭然であると思った阪神ファンは多かったという。
わ、わいのことと違うからな！ 勘違いせんどいてな！
ダンプ辻
http://userdisk.webry.biglobe.ne.jp/001/531/53/N000/000/000/124866033771516227560.jpg
ヒゲ辻（右）
http://soukon1.blog.ocn.ne.jp/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/2009/10/20/09101718r0015337.jpg
役に立たない知識や駄洒落のみならず、リオのカーニバル速報からロリねた、さらには文芸ネタからトラ＊チねたまでまとめて読めるのは某瓦斯新聞だけ！
とおだててみると主幹のサボり癖も治るだろうか？
(･∀･)ちょこﾓ愛ﾓ無ｲｹﾄﾞﾅー
住所：おうち
職業：工作員
女性、もしくはかつて女性だった存在、もしくはかつて男性だった存在などに、
チョコを媒介にして生気を吸い取られる日だろJK
吸い取られる命の量が丁度一年分というデータが、この記事の新しいところか…
住所：皇居
職業：ボルシェビキ
逆に、
「バレンタインチョコを渡した処女の2割が24時間以内に純潔を失ってしまう」
とかどうであろうか。
＞辻ちゃん
＞ダンプ辻
＞ヒゲ辻
小生の場合は
「げっ辻！」
「あの辻めが」
「小賢しい辻」
等々の愛称で呼ばれることが多ございました
「作戦の神様」であったり「絶対悪」であったり、通称の面でもなかなか忙しい人生だったようです
（ちなみに最終階級が大佐でしたので「閣下」はあまりなじまないようです）
????
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