12月も20日となれば、子どもたちがクリスマスプレゼントの到着を今か今かと待ちわびて気もそぞろになっている時期だ。毎年24日には全世界のよい子や女性にプレゼントが間違いなく配送される。まさに世界最大の運送ビジネスイベントだ。しかし、そんなビジネスの裏でも、搾取され過酷な労働に苦しむ人がいる。しかも、それが老人とくればなおさら見過ごせない不正義だ。
プレゼント発送準備もたけなわの12月中旬。記者は北欧のとある寒村に飛んだ。ここにクリスマスプレゼント発送事業を独占的に手がける多国籍企業のロジスティクスセンターがあると聞いたからだ。氷に閉ざされ、地平線まで動くものはペンギンだけという厳寒の地。さっそくセンターに入ってみると中では40億以上ものプレゼントが出荷を待っていた。しかし、大量の荷物を懸命にさばいているのは、驚くべきことにたった一人の老人だった。
老人は派遣社員のクラウスさん。
「以前は“おとうさん”や“足長おじさん”“シャチョーサン”といったたくさんの同僚がいたんですけどねえ」
昨今の世界的不況の余波で厳しい人員削減が実施。先ごろ最後の同僚が鼻炎で鼻の赤いのを「酒に酔って仕事している」と首を切られ、ついにクラウスさんだけで切り盛りするようになった。以来激務が続いたせいで、クラウスさんはヒゲまで真っ白になってしまった。
クラウスさんは疲れきった表情で訴える。
「かつてアメリカに“何をもらえるかではなく、何をあげられるかを問え”と諭した政治家がいたそうですが、私もおなじ気持ちです」
最終出荷のクリスマスイブには完徹間違いなしというクラウスさんを救うためには、今からでもプレゼントやディナーやホテルデートをキャンセルするしかない。記者はクラウスさんに「民衆にこの惨状を広く知らせる」と“クリスマスまでにカワイイ彼女をもらう”こととバーターで堅い約束を交わし、ツンドラの地を後にした。
>“クリスマスまでにカワイイ彼女をもらう”
記事の内容と、記者の願望が著しく矛盾しているように思えるんだが。
住所：不定
職業：馬賊
メリー栗と栗鼠だ如。
駅弁する如。
>“クリスマスまでにカワイイ彼女をもらう”
主幹さまはクリスマス撲滅の先頭にたっていて、サンタと裏取引とは… 某瓦斯新聞のジャーナリスト宣言も「じゃぁな!」と手を振って地に堕ちましたね。
住所：ルビヤンカ
職業：KGB
＞「以前は“おとうさん”や“足長おじさん”“シャチョーサン”といったたくさんの同僚がいたんですけどねえ」
若いねいちんが小銭が欲しくなったときには、パパが登場するそうです。もっとも、パパさんは最悪の場合身ぐるみはがされてしまう恐れもアリということですが・・・。
住所：ルビヤンカ
職業：KGB
＞“クリスマスまでにカワイイ彼女をもらう”
「ワタクシにもできる相談とできない相談があります。」：クラウスさん談
住所：地方空港
職業：老老介護コンサルタント
クラウスさんの肩を持つと見せかけて、あいつを過労死させればクリスマスを中止に追い込めると考え、ロジスティクスセンターに矢のようなクレーム電話をかけまくっている主幹の姿が見えるようだ。
住所：不定
職業：工作員
＞ディナーやホテルデートをキャンセルするしかない。
＞“クリスマスまでにカワイイ彼女をもらう”こととバーターで堅い約束を交わし、ツンドラの地を後にした。
記事の前後に矛盾が見られるのは、自動記事生成ジェネレーターの限界なのではないでしょうか。
主幹を含む非モテ連合は、直ちに呪いを解いて、欧米の大寒波および関東・伊豆方面の地震を止めるべきです。
住所：靖国神社
職業：めがねっ娘
白い髭のサンタなんだが、儂はもう限界かもしれない
住所：海外(北海道)
職業：プロ左翼市民
この記者が「“クリスマスまでにカワイイ彼女をもらう”」、その彼女が3次元の存在である蓋然性は、この場合非常に低いと推察する。主幹、慣れ親しんでいる新しい2次元ものが手には入ってよかったね。
住所：東京都
職業：ネット右翼
もしかして、かつて「鉄のクラウス」と呼ばれたあの方のその後なんでしょうか？
住所：北欧
職業：サンタクロース
bogusnews編集主幹殿
お望みのプレゼントの件につきまして、オリエント工業さんに話をつけておきました。
12/24には必ず編集主幹のもとへとお届けできるとの約束をいただきました。
彼女との一夜が濃密なものになるよう祈っております。
P.S.
料金は送料・代金引換手数料込みで50万円ほどとのことです。
＞２次元
オリエント工業やＴＥＮＧＡの可能性も。
クロース爺さんは、よい子の皆さんへのプレゼントにダメ出ししても、裏取引にまで規制は掛けないでしょう。
住所：名古屋県
職業：アルファコメンター
ペンギンは南半球にしかいないわけだが。
ロシアのサンタは吹雪一家で、爺さんと婆さんと若い娘ですが、しかし雪男や雪女に近く、気が向けば凍死させたり、娘が溶けたりします。
＞ペンギンは南半球にしかいないわけだが。
解雇されて寮から追い出され、雪原で炊き出しを待っていた大量の元従業員達が
寒さのあまりペンギンになってしまったのでしょう。
何と悲しいお話でしょうか。
いずれ彼ら彼女等は白熊ﾀﾝの餌になるでしょう。
住所：輝け～ポーラスター
職業：あにゃまる探偵（北極ペンギン）
クラウスさんがワーキングプアというよりプア（ワーキングに限らず）のもとにクラウスさんは来ないとはっきり言うがよかろう。
プアのもとには彼女も友達もなにもかも来ないのである（泣いてなんかないぞ）。
切られ派遣がペンギンになって白熊に喰われる…
すると、たった一人残った派遣のクラウスさんも、インフルエンザで退職か過労死か、それから地上げに遭ってクリスマス・プレゼントも民営化し、子供達の自己責任で現金引き換えの有料化ですか…？
ああ、暗い…
住所：皇居
職業：自室警備員
「かわいい彼女」を贈与された場合、高額の贈与税が発生するであろう。
そもそも、主幹殿が特定の一人のものに、となれば暴動も必至。世界の崩壊を止めるためにも、自粛が必要と思われる。
ちょｗｗｗｗｗ
堂々とリベート告白記事ｗｗｗｗｗ
住所：ネットカフェ
職業：自室警備員
> 地平線まで動くものはペンギンだけという厳寒の地
そうか。実はサンタは南極にいたのか！それで某元F１ドライバーも…
そんなに辛いなら転職なさればいいのに。あぁ就職氷河期とかﾅﾝﾄｶでしたねｸｽｸｽｸｽ。
私など自然現象で勝手に降ってるものを降らせてると言い張るのﾀﾞｹの優雅な暇仕事のあいまに、通り魔的に美少年を拉致して監禁してますよ。勝ち組ってやつ？
住所：四次元
>「酒に酔って仕事している」と首を切られ
泣きながら、ステーキを食べ(略)
アンブレラ社(ラクーンシティ)臨職求人
職種：世界各国の荷物の配送
労働時間：現地時間PM21:00～AM6:00
子供の笑顔が見られる、やりがいのある仕事です(高給お約束します)。
職業：工作員
＞カワイイ彼女をもらう
「アンタなんかとつきあった覚えはないわよ！」
ツンデレの地を後にしたわけですね。わかります。
ところで小生、この冬は寒～い満蒙の地から、暖かな南洋のとある島に単身赴任中であります。食料がない、弾薬がない、作戦がメチャクチャなことを除けばいたって快適。よいクリスマスが迎えられそうであります。マラリヤは流行っていますけどね。てへっ☆
住所：靖国神社
かつて高い信頼性を誇った日本企業でも、過度の人員削減や業務委託化で質はガタ落ち。
重大な事故やコンプライアンス問題がしばしば発生しています。
ましてクラウスさんのような劣悪な環境では、主幹へのプレゼント彼女に「妙齢」や「男の娘」などが混入する事故があってもおかしくないのでは。
>>男の娘
それは御褒美といいます
住所：靖国神社
職業：二千万特攻の司令官
かつて大日本帝國にも、民家のゴミ箱を漁って臣民が贅沢をしていないか見張ったり、気にくわない奴を最前線に飛ばしたりという過酷な労働によって頭髪が抜けてしまった気の毒な首相がおった。ヒゲはずいぶん黒々としていたがな。
住所：おうち
職業：工作員
次は首を切られた同僚の動物虐待問題かな。
住所：ルビヤンカ
職業：めがねっ娘
記者さん、北極でペンギンを目撃されたのですか？
たしか北極圏には天然物のペンギンはいないんですけど、もしかして取材そっちのけで動物園を見物してた？
あるいは取材そっちのけで修道女さんを見てた？
>ペンギン
近くで、超次元サッカーが行われていなかったか？
住所：皇居
職業：自室警備員
> 子供の笑顔が見られる、やりがいのある仕事です
子供好きには非常にたまらない仕事と思われる。いろいろな意味で。
住所：ウガンダ共和国
職業：調理師
「非モテ童貞の人々は幸いである、その人たちはクリスマスに十戒を守り抜くことができる。」
って枕元にジーザスが現れてこう言ってくれました。
思わず飛び起きて
「OH、ジーザス！何てこった！」
と天に向かって叫んだのはいうまでもありません。
主幹様も僕のように神の王国に行く準備を整えましょう！
住所：不定
職業：馬賊
>十戒
じゅっかい駅弁する如。
汝、かん・い～んしまくりだ如。
主幹さまは本当に、欧米や日本の北半分に、その強大な魔力で雪を降らせる施術に、お忙しいのでしょうか…？
住所：おうち
職業：便衣兵
悪い子にはプレゼントを上げなきゃいい。
これも自己責任です。
この国の自己責任の基準は高いので、プレゼントを配る数は大分減らせます。
＞最近、休肝日が多いです…殿
主幹さまは魔法使いとして毎年クリスマスの数々の強敵と戦って、体が傷ついているのです…
子供の国へ帰るときが来たのです。
主幹「女子厨学二年生さん…ﾎﾞｸはね、只者じゃないんだ！子供の国から来た魔法使いなんだ！」
ｸﾗｲﾏｰさんこう↑ですか、わかります。
関係ありませんが「あわてんぼうのサンタクロース」って何者なのｶｼﾗ？（ｷｯ）
フライング配送に出撃する程余裕があるとも思えないので、実は泥棒のなりすましor自身をサンタだと思い込んでる徘徊老人と見たｯ！
住所：靖国神社
>悪い子にはプレゼントを上げなきゃいい。
>これも自己責任です。
リーダーシップある指導者として、と知事や腐知事に次いでメキメキと頭角を現しつつある阿久根市長も「腐った枝は刈り込まないと」て仰ってましたね。
さすが自衛隊出身の方は言う事が違います。
元空爆長と共に新風に入党して日本のため変な汗をかいてほしいです。
できれば公職の外で。
住所：靖国神社
職業：二千万特攻の司令官
大西サンタがよい子のみんなにプレゼントをあげよう。回天キューピーと桜花キューピー、どちらか好きなほうを言いなさい。百人斬りキューピーが欲しい子は長サンタさんに、代用豚キューピーが欲しい子は辻サンタさんに頼みたまえ。
住所：匿名掲示板
職業：工作員
石原都知事が原案の『宇宙戦艦ヤマト 復活篇』が公開2週目にして興収ベストテン圏外の大コケしたので、大和キューピーをプレゼントしてくらさい
埼玉県熊谷市でサンタ姿の男がビル清掃会社事務所に突入、社長に暴行を加え事務所に放火して逃走したそうですが、
ついに主幹やってしまいましたか…
住所：靖国神社
大西閣下、うちの爺ちゃんも危うく乗せられかけた「震洋」ストラップはどうしてないのですか。
「伏竜」ストラップも危険度が高くていいと思います。
>ヤマト映画
結果的に大和も特攻兵器ですねえ。
しかし、前の映画といいオリンピック招致といい、「勝ち目のなくなった戦に突っ込んで自爆」て何故そんなに好きかな、と知事。
的が「ＳＵＳ」(スーパー米国かよ)だとかいうのも対米コンプレックス満開で微笑ましい。
住所：ガ島
職業：作戦の神様
大西サンタ殿＞
提督が使嗾されたので、先程来、百合子と名乗る年増の大熊猫が「キューピーキューピー」ゆって、わが家（＠ガ島）の前で騒ぎ立てておるのです。これには野党議員すら凍りつきおる次第です。
かくなるうえはこの珍獣、大発に押し込んで、本土へと強制送還いたしますゆえ、海軍のほうでご処置お願いいたしたく。とりあえず某瓦斯新聞社宛、お歳暮用（妙齢詰め合わせ）に活用されるのも一案では。
代用豚キューピーは、人肉をも食す食欲旺盛なる皇軍兵士すら「こんなヤツを豚だなんてゆったら豚がカワイソウダヨー！」と怒って踏みつけておりましたので、ソロモン海に投げ捨て、魚の餌にしてしまいましたヨー。
＞ついに主幹やってしまいましたか…
恐らくソレは、過労のあまりに主幹の魔力で操られた、クラウスさんでは？
何れにせよ、２２日の記事が出るか出ないか、が運命の分かれ道です…
住所：靖国神社
職業：二千万特攻の司令官
クラウス氏が過労で倒れたらサンタクロースイズ過密ダウンであるな。
これからも拝見させて頂きますね。
楽しみにしています。
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